Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
