What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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