don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
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bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
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Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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