we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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