I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
