the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
