I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
