Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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