Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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