just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Someone signed my nipple.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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