walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
