something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
