just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
we're making bets on your personal life
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
