I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
