did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
