i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
