): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
