The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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