Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
