The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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