Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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