im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
thus making me awesome and them whores
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
