What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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