I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I touched a dick in church today
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
