Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
