hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
