I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Randomize
