epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Randomize
