Only a mothe r could love this liver
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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