Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
