you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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