Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
