Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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