i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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