my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
