I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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