You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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