the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
