So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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