i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
