Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
