i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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