Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
