I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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