Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
