I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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