Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
