yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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