I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
