I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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