i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
