just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
