we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
