How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
