Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
